*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
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As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.