If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
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The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
based al yankovic
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
Google assistant rules
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.