[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
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Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
catch me on valentine’s day like
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet