I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
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TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
#Thanos #MondayMood
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something