Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
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My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”