My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
You Might Also Like
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
I have a new favorite meme page
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
the three genders
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?