Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
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[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.