[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
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You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
subtitles are so good nowadays
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]