College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
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Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?