Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
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I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still