Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
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buying dead houseplants to save time
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
when someone compliments me
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars