Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
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To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.