Does this dress make me look cat?
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It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
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proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
consequences, the bane of my existence