This is I, Robot all over again
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The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”