Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
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Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
Passed by a old school Math example today.
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.