Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
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I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin