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I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.