Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
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[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube