My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
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There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.