I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
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“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex