My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
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Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
tis the season
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air