My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
You Might Also Like
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.