Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
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“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Yep.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done