Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
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Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.