Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
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hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
Green is just blue that someone peed in
im 7 sauces long
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned