Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
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me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.