Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
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*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.