I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
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You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car