– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
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Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
🙅🏻
Body by Oreos
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy