For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
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To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”