Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
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Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.