It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
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“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Festive toon…
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
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If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.