I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
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My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
*lint rolls you awake*
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”