i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
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When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like