*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
You Might Also Like
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.