I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
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When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN