Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
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Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
anyone else like Italian cereal
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together