me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
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I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
So we got a goldfish…
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
🤣🤣