If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
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Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever