Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
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[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.