I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
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‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.