19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
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demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget