*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
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Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg