Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
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Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.