We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
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me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
rich people when they have to pay taxes
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
I am all good here, 😂😉
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
The options really are this bad
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.