dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
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The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.