Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
You Might Also Like
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Art by Pastelkatto
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*