I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
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I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Whoa… oh I see lol
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.