my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
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My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.