Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
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What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’